i’m worth it.
i will buy the new anti-aging cream.
i will exfoliate ignoring the tears of rabbits.
i will want to act, sing and dance.
i will act, sing and dance naked at 2am.
Singing birds will be dubbed over my libellous musings.
i, celebrant celebrity.
i will lead and inspire.
i will look fabulous.
i will be the new man.
i will dress the old man in tesco t-shirts under marc jacobs jackets.
In my misogynist freedom i will call tits, tits.
i will be too middle class to use the ‘c’ word.
without war, i will befriend the last enemy seeking camaraderie.
i will wash-up and leave the dishes to dry ‘naturally’.
the best i can get will be slithers of metal and orange plastic.
i will be the new woman.
i will face peel the old woman.
I will call maturity, ageism.
i will lighten my dark skin.
i will spray my pink skin burnt carotene.
I will wax away puberty below and add 3 cup sizes to puberty above.
To escape the kitchen, i will not enter kitchens.
On a “green day” i will be allowed to eat organic, soya beans.
My organic soya beans will be grown in a field next to GM soya beans.
i will not be able to walk along the field next to the soya beans due to lost subsidies.
i will drink bottled water from flip-top bottles.
The bottles will be made by older women who drink water from a well.
i will sent charities two pounds a month on direct debit.
The charities will build a well for old women and enable them to gain employment.
i will see a holistic health practitioner for balance.
i will pay the credit card bills using family credit.
i will pretend that a watermelon bacardi breezer counts as one of five a day.
i will pack-up nutritious lunches that my children will throw away.
i will straighten my hair.
In the sixties, my mother laid her blonde head on the ironing board and straightened her hair.
i will use the ironing board to iron.
i will be tempted to try ironing my hair.
The in-iron fabric softener will make my hair smell like burnt daffodils.
i will cry.
i will buy a dishwasher.
i will use energy saving bulbs.
i will feel worthless.
